The Saga Continues

I find myself a jumble of emotions this evening. I suppose my overriding emotion is that I am so over 2020 and beyond ready to move on to a hopefully better year. Not that 2020 itself is to blame, but it seems that pretty much everything 2020 has been less than wonderful. So what makes this week or or this day any different?!

Today I am coming to grips with loss as well as celebrating victories. The two are unrelated, but seldom do highs and lows happen in tandem as they seem to be right now. I’m not even sure where to start in terms of writing this post. Good news or bad? By subject/person? I suppose I shall just dive in and let this post write itself. I apologize in advance if it turns out to be a jumbled mess.

I had surgery again on Thursday, my second in six months. Hopefully this will be the last procedure that I need for a very long time, if not forever. I believe that I have previously written about the problem, that I had developed a seroma that didn’t seem to want to resolve, coupled with a decidedly undesirable cosmetic outcome from my explant surgery. I contemplated posting photos, but decided against it. It appears that Thursday’s revision has at the least left me with a more desirable appearance and, at least for the time being, has left my right side more comfortable. I do have a drain in place and it is still quite productive with what appears to be fresh blood. Whether or not this is an issue I suppose I will learn on my follow up visit on the 21st. It does not take very much blood to give drainage the appearance of real blood loss. I am guessing this is the case here. I took my first real shower this morning and it felt wonderful. I am most hopeful that this woeful tale is almost at an end.

I will note that I am saddened by the loss of yet another woman with breast cancer that I knew. This makes three in the last few months. It makes me at once sad and angry. Sad for the loss of another beautiful life, and angry at the very existence of cancer. Interestingly, or maybe not, I never ask “why me”, but there are definitely times I ask “why her?” I do not pretend to understand, only to accept that which I cannot change, while praying that with time there will be an end to the many diseases we refer to under the umbrella name of cancer.

My emotions then shift to excitement as I learn that my cousin, Riley, is starting to show some improvement. This week brings small but meaningful physical movement. It is cause for continued prayer as well as rejoicing. I ask for ongoing prayers, positive thoughts, and meditations on healing to be directed towards Riley. He still has so far to go.

And finally, tonight, I have been releasing the tears at the news that my friend, Ava, is losing her battle with colon cancer. Her husband informs me that she is now on hospice and that her hospice nurses have said she is likely to slip the bonds of earthly life in the next 1-2 days. I still have so much to say to her, but most importantly, she has so much more to offer the world. A friend asked me to describe Ava and here is what I told him. She has a truly gentle spirit and is one of those people who finds it hard to speak ill of another, while still managing to be honest. A person of incredible integrity and a brilliant clinical mind. I very much loved her as a human being. I pray that she has a peaceful passing and send healing energy to all who love her that they might come to terms with her loss. Perhaps I should ask for the same as I am not currently dealing so well with the idea. Maybe this one is too close to home? Regardless, my loss is minuscule compare to that of her family. I thank her husband for letting me know now that Ava is no longer able to communicate for herself.

This has also been a week of sharing. I managed to finally make the time to send out some of my grandmother’s things to extended family members. It brings me joy to be able to share the physical momentos of her life with family members who find them meaningful.

This week is nearly done and perhaps the coming week will have a more welcome offering. I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving week. Despite the sadness I am experiencing this evening, I still find much in the world to be thankful for. I hope that you do as well.